Let's talk about it [RP for stillacrime]

[whattingawhat]

Buffy had gotten Danny's letter at work and now she was nervous about talking to him. She knew it was inevitable and it was something that needed to be done. In fact, there were things he needed to know but it didn't make it any easier to talk to him about it. She was sitting out on the balcony with a dozen candles tucked in corners. She had taken their comforter off the bed, piled the pillows outside as well. Everything was all ready for a balcony picnic. The only thing missing was Danny and takeout. She glanced at her cell phone, deciding she had time to change before he got there. She got up and slipped into a pair of yoga shorts and a wife beater, pulled her hair up in a messy bun at the back of her head and went back out onto the balcony to wait.

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[stillacrime.livejournal.com]

"But you seem to like it sometimes. I mean... you're a kick ass fighter. I've seen you smile. You like it." Danny observed.

[whattingawhat.livejournal.com]

Buffy wrinkled her nose and pondered how much to tell him. She glanced over at him and pulled both knees up to her chest. "Yes. It-" she stopped a second and then continued. "Yes. I love it. I love the fight and I love that moment when I win. I love that look on their face when they realize I'm going to win."

She rested her chin on her knees. "I hate that I can't quit. Just because I don't bruise or break doesn't mean that I don't feel pain. They hit like a wrecking ball and that hurts. I know how to fight through it because if I don't they'll win. It never stops. There's always more of them and it doesn't matter that there are hundreds of slayers all over the world now. I'm the one to get." She was careful not to say the word 'kill' even though it was the one she'd wanted to use in place of get.

She looked over at Danny and shrugged. "I better like it. This is what my life is going to be for the rest of my life."

[stillacrime.livejournal.com]

Danny studied her in silence for a moment. "It sounds... kinda sad."

[whattingawhat.livejournal.com]

Buffy half smiled at him and uncurled. She reached out and put her hand on his cheek. "It might be if that was all my life was, but it's not. I have you and I have my day job. I've got Dawn and my friends. I have a good life."

[stillacrime.livejournal.com]

"Do you ever wish... that you didn't have to be a Slayer?" Danny asked, his head tilting slightly into Buffy's palm.

[whattingawhat.livejournal.com]

Her thumb trailed over Danny's cheekbone as he leaned into her hand. "Didn't have to be? Sure. I'd love it if evil closed shop and all the monsters stayed in their closets. I could do normal. Really, really normal. Except I'd want to move to Europe and marry you instead of Charlie Sheen," she half joked. She pulled her bottom lip between her teeth, growing serious again.

"But as long as evil is running around all open for business and monsters are trying to rule the world, I'd rather be a slayer. At least I can do something about it. I don't have to hide under the bed and wait for them to go away. I know I sound all contradictory girl."

[stillacrime.livejournal.com]

"Yeah I can't get behind it... I don't get it. I can't tell whether to be happy or sad for you. And maybe it isn't that cut and dry but I just... I'm havin' problems readin' you when we talk about this. I don't know what... Normally I'm pretty fluent in you but I can't read you about all of this."

[whattingawhat.livejournal.com]

Buffy shrugged and reached back to undo her hair. It spilled around her shoulders. "Probably because I'm all over the place about it. It's not cut and dry. Ever. There are days I love being what I am. And then there are bad days. And on those days..."

She bit her bottom lip and looked up at Danny. "On a scale of one to ten, how freaked out are you? Because there's this huge part of me you're missing. And it's going to freak you out but it's kind of the key to understanding this whole...well everything Buffy. It's not really a slayer thing though. It's a Buffy thing with a slayer thing costarring. I don't want to tell you though if you're at the front of the freak out rollercoaster."

[stillacrime.livejournal.com]

Danny considered that a moment. "I'm probably in the seat behind the front seat. How's that?"

[whattingawhat.livejournal.com]

"OK." She stood up and started pacing a very short distance on the balcony. She ran a hand back through her hair.

"There was this...hell goddess. She used to rule this hell dimension and she got kicked out for bad fashion sense...or you know being mean to her people. Something. Anyway she ended up here and she wanted to get back. She needed Dawn's blood to do it. There was this whole thing and I kicked the hell goddess' ass but it was too late. One of her twinky dinkies had already cut Dawn up. Just little cuts. Nothing big. Just enough to make her bleed slow and give Glory lots of time."

She had pulled her hair back and was tugging at it. "It opened this portal to Glory's dimension. A hell dimension and Hell started bleeding into our world. That's part of what I do, keep our world from turning to literal hell. The only way to close the portal was Dawn's blood. I could push her over the edge of this tower thing they had her tied to the top of or..."

She stopped and glanced over her shoulder at Danny. "I figured out. My blood is Dawn's blood. It's all the same. It's Summers blood. You still with me, Boyfriend?"

[stillacrime.livejournal.com]

Danny looked up and watched her pacing as she spoke. His look was one of confusion, disbelief, shock, and a hint of 'okay this is real'.

But in midst of her speech, he lit a cigarette. "Hell God. Dawn. Blood. Got it. I'm with you."

[whattingawhat.livejournal.com]

She gave him a grateful smile, moved over and crouched down in front of him, careful of the cigarette he was holding. She cupped his face in her hands and leaned in to kiss him. "I love you," she told him quietly before she stood up and started her pacing again.

"Okay," she took a deep breath. "So to close the portal there had to be blood and the blood had to stop flowing which doesn't take a genius to realize dead. Right? So I...kissed Dawnie, told her I loved her I jumped. It was...several hundred feet up but the fall didn't kill me. Going through the portal did." She just kept going because if she stopped now, she was never going to tell him.

"I was dead for nearly five months. In the ground, buried, in a coffin. My best friend Willow thought I was in a hell dimension. She's pretty much the most powerful witch around and she brought me back. Thing is they forgot to dig me up first so I woke up in a coffin, six feet under ground. I busted my way out of the coffin, clawed all the way up through the dirt and I thought I was in Hell because Willow was wrong. I was never in a hell dimension. I was in Heaven and I was warm and safe and loved. I was finished and then...everything in this world is too bright, too cold and too loud. Anyway, that's why I'm claustrophobic." And that's why some days I look like I don't want to be here

She didn't dare look at Danny but near the end of her speech, she had stopped her pacing, hands curling around the balcony railing, eyes fixed on the ground beneath them.

[stillacrime.livejournal.com]

Danny just stared at her. What? "What?" He asked sharply, just as he had sounded to himself in his head. He wasn't sure what else to say. He tried to come up with some eloquent (for him) words to reply to Buffy with. But that was... not happening yet.

[whattingawhat.livejournal.com]

Buffy just shrugged a little in response. She didn't really expect eloquent. He was still there and that was enough for now.

"I'm not a zombie and that's why my blood looks so weird," she said after a minute. She sighed and glanced over at Danny. "Can I come...curl up next to you? Or is it weird to touch me now?"

[stillacrime.livejournal.com]

"No, baby... come here." Danny lifted Rocky out of his lap and held out an arm to her. Maybe he didn't have to have words or be okay right now. Buffy didn't seem okay either. "Come on."

[whattingawhat.livejournal.com]

As soon as Danny held an arm out to her Buffy almost dove into him. She buried her head in his chest, curling up tight against him. "I was afraid that you either wouldn't believe me or you'd be so grossed out by me that you wouldn't want to touch me."

[stillacrime.livejournal.com]

"Why would I be grossed out by you, Sunshine? Not grossed out." Danny assured her quickly as he held onto her tight.

[whattingawhat.livejournal.com]

Buffy shrugged a little. "Because I was dead and now I'm not. Because Heaven didn't want me enough to keep me when Willow wanted me back." It was something she'd never really said to anyone but it was probably her deepest, darkest secret. She was afraid Heaven had kicked her out because she wasn't good enough to stay.