Buffy Summers (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
whattingawhat) wrote2008-09-10 08:42 pm
whattingawhat) wrote2008-09-10 08:42 pm
Entry tags:
You may think that Im out of hand [That Im naive, I'll understand]
[I should have…]
“Let’s talk about regrets this week,” the therapist says, folder perched on her knee, coffee cup at hand. “What are some of your should have’s.”
“My what?” Buffy asks, stalling for time more than anything. Her brain is already clicking, cataloguing all of the things she wished she’d done differently, all the things she should have done. “I don’t know what you mean.”
The therapist gives her a soft smile and tilts her head. “Buffy, I’ve talked to many of the other slayers and I’ve read a great many more slayer diaries. You don’t get to where you are without occasionally saying to yourself ‘I should have…’ a few times.”
“And you think because you’ve talked to some slayers and read some diaries you know ‘where’ I’m at?” Buffy snaps back at her. She hates the weekly therapy sessions and she’s cranky right now anyway. She’s not sleeping, she’s not eating and she’s slaying more than should be healthy.
“I didn’t mean to imply that,” the therapist backpeddles. She knows with Buffy she can only push things so far. The senior slayer has very little tolerance when talking about her slaying and what it’s done to her.
“What did you mean to imply then?” Buffy asks, one eyebrow arching up as she crosses her arms over her chest and levels a stare at the woman.
“I-I just meant that surely you’ve got regrets, remorse; things you look back on and say I should have done this differently or that some other way.” The woman takes a sip of her coffee, putting it back on the table before looking up at Buffy again.
“So what? You want me to talk about all the times I should have been faster, stronger, better. Or maybe you’d like for me to be more specific and say I should have killed Angelus when I first realized who he was. I should have let Angel die of poison. I should have hugged Faith more. I should have told Riley not to leave. I should have made my mother go to the doctor more often. I should have watched Dawn better. I should have found another way to stop the First Evil.” She stops and takes a deep breath. Her body language, voice and words are hostile. Her arms are still crossed over her chest, her head tilted and her eyes hard. “You see, I could do this all day long. I’m a slayer. I was The Slayer for a long time. I’ve been doing this for eleven years which means there are a lot of should have’s in my life.”
“And how do you deal with that?” the therapist asks, her courage obviously regained.
Buffy bites her bottom lip and leans forward, her elbows going to her knees. She considers the question a moment. The hostility is still there, written in her bones and the lines on her face but it’s reasonably dormant for now. “Have you ever seen Dr. Who? You know the new one with Ten and Nine?” She doesn’t wait for the therapist to answer. “There’s this whole theory and maybe it’s not just theirs but anyway time isn’t a straight line. It’s this wibbly wobbly ball of something, like a knotted up ball of string. The point is, everything is all tied together. If I change one of my should have’s, maybe I change everything. I like my life right now. Dawn is safe, relatively happy, possibly dating a vampire but at least he’s got a soul. I’m happy and hey look, the world didn’t end. Any of the dozen times I saved it. Including the time I made the slayer army. So, basically, I don’t think about my should have’s. I think that I made the right decision, regardless of what the outcome was because the world is alright today. Maybe tomorrow I’ll think about things differently.”
“That’s…” the therapist starts and stops.
“Surprisingly well adjusted. I know,” Buffy smirks. She leans back against the couch and smoothes her hands over her hair. She glances up at the clock then back at the therapist.
“Is there one you’d change, assuming it wouldn’t upset the time continuum.”
Buffy rolls her eyes and sighs. “Yeah, the one that goes ‘I should have kicked your ass the first session because maybe then you’d leave me alone’.”
“Let’s talk about regrets this week,” the therapist says, folder perched on her knee, coffee cup at hand. “What are some of your should have’s.”
“My what?” Buffy asks, stalling for time more than anything. Her brain is already clicking, cataloguing all of the things she wished she’d done differently, all the things she should have done. “I don’t know what you mean.”
The therapist gives her a soft smile and tilts her head. “Buffy, I’ve talked to many of the other slayers and I’ve read a great many more slayer diaries. You don’t get to where you are without occasionally saying to yourself ‘I should have…’ a few times.”
“And you think because you’ve talked to some slayers and read some diaries you know ‘where’ I’m at?” Buffy snaps back at her. She hates the weekly therapy sessions and she’s cranky right now anyway. She’s not sleeping, she’s not eating and she’s slaying more than should be healthy.
“I didn’t mean to imply that,” the therapist backpeddles. She knows with Buffy she can only push things so far. The senior slayer has very little tolerance when talking about her slaying and what it’s done to her.
“What did you mean to imply then?” Buffy asks, one eyebrow arching up as she crosses her arms over her chest and levels a stare at the woman.
“I-I just meant that surely you’ve got regrets, remorse; things you look back on and say I should have done this differently or that some other way.” The woman takes a sip of her coffee, putting it back on the table before looking up at Buffy again.
“So what? You want me to talk about all the times I should have been faster, stronger, better. Or maybe you’d like for me to be more specific and say I should have killed Angelus when I first realized who he was. I should have let Angel die of poison. I should have hugged Faith more. I should have told Riley not to leave. I should have made my mother go to the doctor more often. I should have watched Dawn better. I should have found another way to stop the First Evil.” She stops and takes a deep breath. Her body language, voice and words are hostile. Her arms are still crossed over her chest, her head tilted and her eyes hard. “You see, I could do this all day long. I’m a slayer. I was The Slayer for a long time. I’ve been doing this for eleven years which means there are a lot of should have’s in my life.”
“And how do you deal with that?” the therapist asks, her courage obviously regained.
Buffy bites her bottom lip and leans forward, her elbows going to her knees. She considers the question a moment. The hostility is still there, written in her bones and the lines on her face but it’s reasonably dormant for now. “Have you ever seen Dr. Who? You know the new one with Ten and Nine?” She doesn’t wait for the therapist to answer. “There’s this whole theory and maybe it’s not just theirs but anyway time isn’t a straight line. It’s this wibbly wobbly ball of something, like a knotted up ball of string. The point is, everything is all tied together. If I change one of my should have’s, maybe I change everything. I like my life right now. Dawn is safe, relatively happy, possibly dating a vampire but at least he’s got a soul. I’m happy and hey look, the world didn’t end. Any of the dozen times I saved it. Including the time I made the slayer army. So, basically, I don’t think about my should have’s. I think that I made the right decision, regardless of what the outcome was because the world is alright today. Maybe tomorrow I’ll think about things differently.”
“That’s…” the therapist starts and stops.
“Surprisingly well adjusted. I know,” Buffy smirks. She leans back against the couch and smoothes her hands over her hair. She glances up at the clock then back at the therapist.
“Is there one you’d change, assuming it wouldn’t upset the time continuum.”
Buffy rolls her eyes and sighs. “Yeah, the one that goes ‘I should have kicked your ass the first session because maybe then you’d leave me alone’.”