Buffy Summers (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
whattingawhat) wrote2008-07-24 02:28 pm
whattingawhat) wrote2008-07-24 02:28 pm
Entry tags:
when the first star you see [May not be a star]
[Why Didn’t It Work Out?]
“How are Lucy and Jill doing?”
It’s a safe subject for Buffy to broach. She’s at the park, pacing and hesitating as Angel sits a few feet away from her on a concrete picnic table. It occurs to her that they’re half way across the country from each other and they see each other more now than they did when she was in Sunnydale and he was just two hours down the coast in LA. Time has worn away the sharp edges so that only blunt edges slice and rub against old wounds. There’s no salt to spill in them and very little blood is drawn.
“They’re…” Angel starts and stops, catching his metaphorical breath before he continues. “Jill is—she’s quiet and withdrawn. Sweet, polite and the total opposite of Lucy. Lucy is…probably going to drive me crazy.”
That draws a smile from Buffy and she ducks her head. “Consider her three fourths of your redemption.”
“Ah so that’s why you sent her to me,” Angel chuckles softly.
“Not really. They had a remote watcher. As in they were in Alabama, their watcher was in London. They needed someone to look out after them and Birmingham isn’t hopping with vampires. Los Angeles is.”
Angel nods and looks up at Buffy, watching her almost predatorily as she paces back and forth slowly. “You look good. You’ve gained some weight since the last time I saw you.”
Buffy shrugs. “Danny feeds me. Cooks for me and it’s hard to turn down something someone cooked for you. Even if you don’t want to eat. I think he knows that.”
Angel nods. “He’s doing a good job. Taking care of you.”
“I don’t need anyone to take care of me, Angel. I’m perfectly capable myself,” Buffy warns him, irritation creeping into her voice.
“I didn’t say you did, Buffy,” Angel says, contradicting himself. “I just meant-you look happy and that’s a good thing.”
“I am happy.” She hesitates; watching him for a minute as the irritations soothes out of her features and is replaced with curiosity. “Did you know? All those years ago? Are you really that smart?”
“What do you mean?” Angel asks, confusion marking his expression.
“In the sewer you told me that one of these days I’d want to get married and have kids. Did you know or were you guessing? Or did it just take the right guy to make me want those things?”
Angel shrugs because the question rubs against old wounds, abrading them but not drawing blood. They’re beyond that now. “I think it was both? I knew one of these days you’d meet him and you’d want those things. If you’d stayed with me…you just would have ended up lonely and resentful.”
Buffy thinks about that and tilts her head. “That doesn’t seem fair to you, since it leaves you alone.”
Angel repeats the shrug and gets up from the picnic table. “I don’t know. Maybe not. Maybe I’ve just got to find the right girl.”
Now Buffy is the one that’s having her wounds scraped but it’s not a pain that takes her breath or makes her ache anymore. It’s just there. “I hope you do. I never wanted you miserable and I never wanted you alone. That’s one reason I sent you Jill and Lucy.”
“I know,” Angel nods. “I don’t know if I will or not. There’s someone right now that might be? We haven’t gotten far enough along to tell. She makes me smile.”
And that makes Buffy smile a little, even if it is a touch green around the edges. “Wow. I’m impressed. Does she realize she’s accomplishing the impossible? It’s tantamount to scaling Everest.”
Angel rolls his eyes at her and smirks. “I think she makes it a goal.”
“Good enough for me.” Buffy nods. She hesitates again because she’s not sure how far she can push this relative comfort between them. It’s a bit like a bed of nails but prior to recently it was like a bed of hot coals. But then she supposes all pain numbs after a while from sheer overload. Maybe that’s what this is, just overload. “It wasn’t because of love, was it? Fairytales lie. They say that love is enough. It conquers everything but it’s not true. There are some cliffs it can’t climb.”
“No. It wasn’t because of love,” Angel assures her. He wants to tell her fairytales never lie but he’s not qualified to do that anymore because he was the one shredded fairytales for her. He sighs and it carries the weight of their history with it. “You’re a slayer. I’m a vampire. They set us up to fail from the very beginning. I think we defeated their odds for a long time but eventually I realized that we were defeating them at your expense. I wanted more for you because you deserve the world. You’ve saved it often enough. There were things I couldn’t give you and there will be things I won’t be able to give Scarlett. You were young too young to give those things up before they ever had a chance to take root.”
He watches her as she folds up on herself a bit, a silent acceptance but the straight line of her spine bleeds protest to his words; she’s had a taste of what he wanted to give her and she can’t deny that she wants those things now.
“And that was just one reason. You and I hurt each other, Buffy. We hurt each other by existing. We’ve done too much, been too much and ripped each other up too many times to ever be more than what we are.”
“But all those things tie us together too,” Buffy tells him, eyes pleading with him to agree with her. Angel is a constant in her life and the pain he brings is comforting in a way that she doesn’t understand. It’s something she can rely on when the world falls apart. Angel will always be there and they will always hurt each other. Sometimes she craves the pain being in the same room with him brings.
“Yeah. They tie us together,” Angel nods. For a moment they sit, drowning in that pain and then he stands up. He crosses over to kiss the top of her head then steps back, his hands going in his pockets. “Go home. I’ve got a plane to catch.”
She watches as he melts into the shadows and then turns to walk home to the right guy.
“How are Lucy and Jill doing?”
It’s a safe subject for Buffy to broach. She’s at the park, pacing and hesitating as Angel sits a few feet away from her on a concrete picnic table. It occurs to her that they’re half way across the country from each other and they see each other more now than they did when she was in Sunnydale and he was just two hours down the coast in LA. Time has worn away the sharp edges so that only blunt edges slice and rub against old wounds. There’s no salt to spill in them and very little blood is drawn.
“They’re…” Angel starts and stops, catching his metaphorical breath before he continues. “Jill is—she’s quiet and withdrawn. Sweet, polite and the total opposite of Lucy. Lucy is…probably going to drive me crazy.”
That draws a smile from Buffy and she ducks her head. “Consider her three fourths of your redemption.”
“Ah so that’s why you sent her to me,” Angel chuckles softly.
“Not really. They had a remote watcher. As in they were in Alabama, their watcher was in London. They needed someone to look out after them and Birmingham isn’t hopping with vampires. Los Angeles is.”
Angel nods and looks up at Buffy, watching her almost predatorily as she paces back and forth slowly. “You look good. You’ve gained some weight since the last time I saw you.”
Buffy shrugs. “Danny feeds me. Cooks for me and it’s hard to turn down something someone cooked for you. Even if you don’t want to eat. I think he knows that.”
Angel nods. “He’s doing a good job. Taking care of you.”
“I don’t need anyone to take care of me, Angel. I’m perfectly capable myself,” Buffy warns him, irritation creeping into her voice.
“I didn’t say you did, Buffy,” Angel says, contradicting himself. “I just meant-you look happy and that’s a good thing.”
“I am happy.” She hesitates; watching him for a minute as the irritations soothes out of her features and is replaced with curiosity. “Did you know? All those years ago? Are you really that smart?”
“What do you mean?” Angel asks, confusion marking his expression.
“In the sewer you told me that one of these days I’d want to get married and have kids. Did you know or were you guessing? Or did it just take the right guy to make me want those things?”
Angel shrugs because the question rubs against old wounds, abrading them but not drawing blood. They’re beyond that now. “I think it was both? I knew one of these days you’d meet him and you’d want those things. If you’d stayed with me…you just would have ended up lonely and resentful.”
Buffy thinks about that and tilts her head. “That doesn’t seem fair to you, since it leaves you alone.”
Angel repeats the shrug and gets up from the picnic table. “I don’t know. Maybe not. Maybe I’ve just got to find the right girl.”
Now Buffy is the one that’s having her wounds scraped but it’s not a pain that takes her breath or makes her ache anymore. It’s just there. “I hope you do. I never wanted you miserable and I never wanted you alone. That’s one reason I sent you Jill and Lucy.”
“I know,” Angel nods. “I don’t know if I will or not. There’s someone right now that might be? We haven’t gotten far enough along to tell. She makes me smile.”
And that makes Buffy smile a little, even if it is a touch green around the edges. “Wow. I’m impressed. Does she realize she’s accomplishing the impossible? It’s tantamount to scaling Everest.”
Angel rolls his eyes at her and smirks. “I think she makes it a goal.”
“Good enough for me.” Buffy nods. She hesitates again because she’s not sure how far she can push this relative comfort between them. It’s a bit like a bed of nails but prior to recently it was like a bed of hot coals. But then she supposes all pain numbs after a while from sheer overload. Maybe that’s what this is, just overload. “It wasn’t because of love, was it? Fairytales lie. They say that love is enough. It conquers everything but it’s not true. There are some cliffs it can’t climb.”
“No. It wasn’t because of love,” Angel assures her. He wants to tell her fairytales never lie but he’s not qualified to do that anymore because he was the one shredded fairytales for her. He sighs and it carries the weight of their history with it. “You’re a slayer. I’m a vampire. They set us up to fail from the very beginning. I think we defeated their odds for a long time but eventually I realized that we were defeating them at your expense. I wanted more for you because you deserve the world. You’ve saved it often enough. There were things I couldn’t give you and there will be things I won’t be able to give Scarlett. You were young too young to give those things up before they ever had a chance to take root.”
He watches her as she folds up on herself a bit, a silent acceptance but the straight line of her spine bleeds protest to his words; she’s had a taste of what he wanted to give her and she can’t deny that she wants those things now.
“And that was just one reason. You and I hurt each other, Buffy. We hurt each other by existing. We’ve done too much, been too much and ripped each other up too many times to ever be more than what we are.”
“But all those things tie us together too,” Buffy tells him, eyes pleading with him to agree with her. Angel is a constant in her life and the pain he brings is comforting in a way that she doesn’t understand. It’s something she can rely on when the world falls apart. Angel will always be there and they will always hurt each other. Sometimes she craves the pain being in the same room with him brings.
“Yeah. They tie us together,” Angel nods. For a moment they sit, drowning in that pain and then he stands up. He crosses over to kiss the top of her head then steps back, his hands going in his pockets. “Go home. I’ve got a plane to catch.”
She watches as he melts into the shadows and then turns to walk home to the right guy.
no subject
Time has worn away the sharp edges so that only blunt edges slice and rub against old wounds. There’s no salt to spill in them and very little blood is drawn.
and this sounds exactly like something Angel would say:
I knew one of these days you’d meet him and you’d want those things. If you’d stayed with me…you just would have ended up lonely and resentful.”
I wish there was more back story...I mean, the story concludes with Buffy going home to the 'right guy'...but we don't know anything about him, so it's hard to know whether this is actually true or whether she's just hoping it is because of where things stand with Angel.
no subject