Damsel in Distress, My Ass

["The most powerful symptom of love is a tenderness which becomes at times almost insupportable." - Victor Hugo]

She’s lying on the couch, her back pressed against him, his arm circled around her shoulders. There’s some movie on TV that neither of them are watching but it fills the silence and occupies all the space where they might say things neither of them want to hear. He hates that she’s going after the scythe. She knows that and a part of her wishes she could change the things she has to do. Even if she could, possessiveness is rooted deep in her bones. She wants the scythe back simply because it’s hers. Of course there’s the fear of what a vampire wants with an object so powerful but she’d be lying if she said that’s the reason she’s going after the weapon.

She dips her head and brushes her lips across his forearm. He’s having issues with the whole dead thing and she gets it. She’s shoved everything he knows to be true out the window and replaced it with the things she knows. His arm tightens around her shoulders and in a few moments she feels his lips brush over her neck, pressing a bit warmer and straying a bit longer over the vampire bite that’s healing. He’s more careful with her right now, realizing for the first time, she does break . She doesn’t mind, for the moment. Because everything still feels so very breakable.

“I’m stronger now,” she says out of the blue.

“Yeah but you gotta get some rest, Sunshine,” Danny responds. She can feel his breath in her hair and she knows his head is bowed over hers.

“Willow thinks it’s a whole doubling and tripling and quadrupling of slayer power. Resurrection, rebirth…new power added to old power. Whatever,” Buffy rambles. She knows he doesn’t want to hear it and she’d rather not talk about it but she also knows that Willow is busy right now finding the scythe and she’s going to have to leave. She wants Danny to be ready for that and right now, he’s just not.

She can almost feel his need for a cigarette, that resolution he broke so soon after he made it but he won’t get up and go out to the balcony because he doesn’t want to leave her side.

“Just stay with me for a little while longer, Sunshine,” he whispers into her hair and she turns against him so that she faces him. She presses her lips against his, her hands smoothing over his shoulders and down his chest to creep under his tanktop. They both need to be reminded she’s alive.

[Tension]

“Angel investigations. We hope the helpless…something like that. Anyway, hi,” Lucy chimed into the phone receiver.

“Hi, Lucy…this is Buffy,” She twisted the end of her ponytail around her free wrist as she talked on the phone. “Is Angel there?”

“Mmm, yeah but he’s still asleep. Slacker…or creature of the night. Take your pick,” Lucy responded.

“Okay, this is going to sound weird but I need you to go wake him up,” Buffy told her. She took measured steps across the living room, heel against the toes of the other foot. She placed her hand over the scar on her neck as she listened to Lucy carry the cordless phone up the stairs. She noted that there wasn’t a knock, only Lucy barging in.

“Angel! Wake up! Buffy’s on the phone.” The volume of Lucy’s voice even when not directed into the receiver made Buffy wince. She could only imagine what it did to Angel’s ears.

“Lucy! Lucy!” Buffy yelled with an apologetic look to Danny. She was trying to get the blonde’s attention. “Tell him I’m alright.”

“She says she’s alright,” Lucy said. Moments later, Angel came on the phone. His voice was still gruff and thick with sleep.

“Buffy,”

“Yeah. I’m fine. I was calling to check on you actually,” she hedged her words slightly, hesitant to tell him what had been going on in her head. Angel berated himself enough for the things he’d done as Angelus.

She could hear the befuddlement in his voice when he finally answered. “Yeah…I’m fine. What’s going on?”

“Nothing,” Buffy insisted, shaking her head as she did. Her ponytail bobbed against her shoulders.

“You call and have Lucy wake me up for nothing?” Angel prodded. She could hear him get up and move around the room. Silence crawled over them, coating the phone lines and introducing instant tension in the room.

“Bad dreams?” he finally asked.

“Mhmm,” she answered a bit absently. She was rubbing her hand across the scar on her neck, kneading her shoulder and giving Danny apologetic looks. He’d slipped out onto the balcony to smoke about the time it’d become obvious Angel was on the phone instead of Lucy.

“Prophecy?”

She shrugged in answer, threading her way through the tension before she finally stopped her pacing and sighed. “I wasn’t wearing white. I don’t know, Angel. If I’m dreaming about him…they always seems surreal and disjointed and…like prophecy. Sometimes, they’re just nightmares though.”

“Right. You’ve got-“

“Stop it. That wasn’t your fault. We’re not having this conversation. I don’t blame you and I don’t forgive you. There was nothing to forgive. Two different people. I know it. I’ve met them. I lived it. You were off in soul air-lock or whatever so you don’t get an opinion on the separateness or nonseparateness of Angel and Angelus.”

There was a sigh on his end of the line and she could practically hear him pacing. “Keep me updated.”

“Yeah,” she nodded, rolling her lips between her teeth. “Just-don’t get too happy.” Guilt washed over her the moment she said the words. She could be happy but Angel wasn’t allowed that luxury.

“I don’t think that’s going to be an issue,” he said quietly. “I’m gonna…”

“Yeah. Me too,” Buffy answered. She hung up the phone and placed it on the end table next to a pair of Marc Jacobs. She grabbed a coat off the back of the couch and slipped it on before stepping out onto the balcony with Danny. She wrapped her arms around his waist from behind and the moment he leaned back against her, she felt the tension in her body uncoil and slip out little at a time.

“Everything’s fine,” she whispered against his shoulder. “They were just nightmares.”

Not that it changed anything. She’d still stalk Danny and she’d still worry. After all, she’s lived that particular nightmare.

[Discuss the possibility of having a family with your partner someday]


Yeah, I think about it. Who wouldn’t? I love Danny and I don’t plan on ever leaving him. He’s my ‘for the rest of my life’ guy so naturally I think about things like marriage and kids and moving to Staten Island so we can have a house with a yard and a picket fence. The thing is, do you know what I think when I see picket fences? Little stakes all in a row. I see a stockpile of weapons and that’s why the whole idea of family comes to a screeching halt.

I kill things for a living. That’s not exactly nurturing. My first thought on how to solve a problem is to hit it until it goes away. And let’s just assume I did get pregnant. Have you got any idea what a can of worms that is opening up? All slayers are targets. Fact of life that no one is ever going to be able to change. However, I’ve sort of got a bigger target painted on me. Make me vulnerable and the entire demon world would come out to play. I’d have to move in with a slayer or two. That would turn me and Danny’s lives entirely upside down. Once the baby is born, he or she’s a target. Dawn has been used against me too many times for me to believe that my child wouldn’t be used against me. I don’t know if I could do that to a little innocent person.

All of that aside, do I want it? Sometimes, yeah but I try not to want things that I know I can’t have. It’s frustrating and in my life I don’t need things to be frustrated about.

[Do you listen to your partner?]

Co-written with stillacrime and whattingawhat


Buffy had gone for a run. It wasn't that she wanted to run so much as she just needed to get out of the house. She walked back in, shutting and locking the door behind her. She had pretzels with her. "Hey, Boyfriend, I'm home!" she yelled as she walked to the kitchen and snagged a couple of bottles of beer from the fridge. Danny was still in bed despite the fact that it was the middle of the day. She knew he was depressed and her attitude lately hadn't helped much. She figured it was about time they talk about that because things were just going to get worse and that was something they definitely didn't need. She toe-heeled her tennis shoes off and walked into the bedroom, juggling pretzels, mustard, marinara sauce and beer.

"How you feeling?" she asked him as she sat down on the edge of the bed near him, folding one leg up underneath her. She popped the top off on the beer and put the bottle on the nightstand. The other got tucked in the crook of her knee and she offered a pretzel to him. "I thought we could both use pretzels with salt and beer."

Wincing just a little, Danny pushed himself up slightly so he could lean back against the headboard in a half-sitting position. He had been in a very bad head space and only getting worse. He was set to at least get back in the lab next week but the lab wasn't the problem. The problem was that Buffy was avoiding him, something that was magnified because she was doing it while they were living in the same apartment.

"M'alright." He answered, pulling one of the blankets up to let it pool at his waist. He still hurt, would probably hurt for awhile. Emotionally, he was low. But he wanted to be alright so badly that it was just an easier answer than the truth. He took the pretzel and eyed one of the small tubs of marinara dipping sauce.

"Right," Buffy nodded as she handed him some of the marinara. She tore open one of the mustard packets with her teeth to slather on her pretzel. "I never thought you'd be taciturn guy," she said as she gave him a half hearted smile. She took a bite of her pretzel, chewed it and then took a long sip of her beer. "We're not alright right now, are we? I mean...I feel like I'm holding my breath waiting for you to walk away. Or pack my shoes and leave them out in the hall. You know, whatever."

In truth she felt the way she had her senior year of high school, knowing the end was coming but not knowing when.

"That's funny, y'know? Cause I'm waitin' for you to just do physically whatever's goin' on with you in that head of yours and leave." And he suddenly wasn't hungry. He set the pretzel and the marinara sauce down and badly wanted a cigarette. Instead, since his movement was limited, he crossed his arms over his bandaged torso. "You've been closin' off and pullin' away from me since I woke up in the hospital. I tried for awhile but I finally just let you be. I mean you gotta do what you gotta do for you. I get it."

But he didn't really get it. He shrugged. his shoulders lifting just slightly. "So what, are you done with me? You can just tell me. I can take it." He really couldn't, but he already felt like he had lost her emotionally already. And that was hard since he was already low and emotional himself. In a sense, he had been traumatized and now he was bracing himself for an even harder blow than anything Fred Hirsch could have dealt.

"No," Buffy said sharply, her brow furrowing. She shook her head for emphasis. "No, I'm not 'done' with you." She set her pretzel aside with a sigh and took another drink of her beer. She reached up and undid her hair, letting it fall around her shoulders. "It's...not your fault," she said as she ran a hand back through her hair and then twisted her beer bottle in her hands. "That I've been pulling away. I just-you're so very human and I'm not. You're breakable. You have no idea how breakable and-I'm afraid by touching you I'm going to hurt you. I don't want to put you in anymore pain." She sighed and pulled both her feet underneath her, straightening her back as she glanced over at him. She knew this tension between them had been hard on him but she hadn't thought that he'd misread it so. Of course at the same time, she wasn't sure how he was supposed to read her pulling away.

"I haven't even considered leaving you."

It took him a few moments to digest all of that. The silence drug out until finally he just shook his head and smirked. "So you're doin' to me because I'm human what you were afraid I would do to you because you're a Slayer? I stuck with you. I believe in you. I don't always get it, but I'm with you. I can't not be who and what I am. Can't not be human." He shook his head, his brow creasing as he continued to try to figure out how he could fix this. "Where's the fair in this?"

"Fair? There's no such thing as fair," Buffy said abruptly. "There is nothing in my entire life that's fair and if you think about it, I bet there's not a whole lot in your life that's fair either." She paused and shook her head then stared down at the floor. She needed to sweep in here and mop. "When I found you they had hurt you so bad and then-I don't want to break you and I could. I don't want to be like them."

"You have never hurt me." Danny answered quickly, punctuating each word. He shook his head briskly. "Until now. And I thought we were pretty damn fair. You and me. This should be fair. Wasn't I fair to you?"

Of course he had to make this logical and he had to bring out all the things that make sense and right now she wanted to snap at him and lash out. It was an entirely illogical response to an entirely logical argument but it was also wholly emotional and exactly the way Buffy worked. Instead of hauling off and hitting him, she stood up and started pacing the room, pulling her hair back and knotting it tightly again. She pulled so hard it made her head ache a little.

"You were fair to me," she admitted. "But you can't break me just by squeezing too hard. And I'm not trying to be unfair to you, Danny. I'm trying-I don' t know what I'm trying to do. I know we're falling apart and I don't want us to fall apart. I don't know how to stop it. I don't know how to stop being afraid of hurting you and I don't know anything because I can lead an army and I can beat the crap out of anything I come up against but I'm a hopeless, epic fail at figuring out how the hell relationships are supposed to work."

She stopped pacing and looked at Danny. "So tell me, how do we fix this?"

He sighed when she physically pulled away again and watched her pace. He listened, feeling the tension and the unraveling sensation that this situation had taken on. "You just do it, Summers. You wanna fix somethin' you just do it... one step at a time until you're back where you wanna be. Do you wanna fix it?"

She glanced over at him and nodded as she wrapped her arms around herself. "Yeah, I want to fix it." She bit her bottom lip, trapping words behind her teeth. She wanted to forget how fragile he was. She wanted to pretend she'd never seen him that way and she couldn't say that because it wasn't fair to him. He couldn't help being fragile anymore than she could help being a freak. "I love you. You know that."

"Yeah but do you love me enough to quit standin' over there, come over here, and get close to me?" Danny asked pointedly. "You keep goin' away. Come here."

Buffy took a step over to Danny, swallowing hard as she did. Her furrowed her brow as she moved closer until her knees were pressed against the bed. "What if I hurt you? You're still on pain medication and you're still bandaged up-" she stopped, biting her bottom lip to keep from saying anything else. Her voice was choked with concern and she wore worry around her eyes like spectacles. Since Danny had been hurt, she'd lost a lot of weight and her eyes were shadowed with deep purple smudges. She looked as fragile as he did but with her, it was an illusion.

"Shut up, Summers." He shook his head again. "You bein' with me the way we're supposed to be together is bigger than any hurt. Just shut up and come here. You wanna fix somethin' you just do it." And it would physically hurt him so much more to come to her... but he strained and pushed away from the headboard. He scooted to the edge of the bed, already out of breath as he reached for her hand and tugged. "Come on, Sunshine. Come over here and sit with me."

And immediately she felt guilty for making him move over to her so when he grabbed her hand and tugged her down to sit next to him, she went without any protest. She sat close to him, not quite touching him. After another moment's hesitation she sighed and leaned so that her shoulder was brushing his and her head was resting on his shoulder. "I don't want to go away and I don't want us to change. If I ever hurt you, you'd tell me, right?"

"If it was worth mentionin', sure." His torso ached, but he wrapped his arms around her anyway and pulled her close. There wasn't any way around hurting right now. But if he could keep her close, he would. "Just don't keep goin' away from me. I can't do anything if you go away."

Buffy ducked her head, tucking her face into the crook of his neck and wrapping her arms lightly around him. "I warned you I was difficult," she said quietly, her breath warm against his skin. "I'm trying to protect you and the only way I know how to protect you from me, is pull away. I'm sorry." It wasn't going to go away this easily and she'd probably still treat him like glass for a while but she knew she couldn't push him away like this or she was going to end up hurting both of them. They just had to listen and work together.

"Yeah, yeah Summers." Danny whispered. "Maybe I'm okay with difficult."

[Why Didn’t It Work Out?]

“How are Lucy and Jill doing?”

It’s a safe subject for Buffy to broach. She’s at the park, pacing and hesitating as Angel sits a few feet away from her on a concrete picnic table. It occurs to her that they’re half way across the country from each other and they see each other more now than they did when she was in Sunnydale and he was just two hours down the coast in LA. Time has worn away the sharp edges so that only blunt edges slice and rub against old wounds. There’s no salt to spill in them and very little blood is drawn.

( Read more... )

Apologize

Okay…so there are so many things here I could apologize for and that list will get longer the longer we’re together. The thing is I suck at apologizing. Call it a General thing or a slayer thing or just a Buffy thing. No matter what you call it, I suck at it. Kinda hardcore. A lot of people think that because I don’t apologize it means I think I’m never wrong. And who are we kidding? I wake up wrong. I know with every single breath I’m wrong. I carry it on my shoulders with everything else. I just can’t admit it out loud.

And I may not say the words but if you watch, it’s there in everything else. It’s a kiss or a back rub. It’s letting you watch baseball when there’s figure skating on without tivo. It’s making sure that I don’t use all the hot water or ordering pizza when I really want Chinese. I do say I’m sorry. A lot of ways. Verbally just isn’t one of them.

[What’s your type?]

No it’s not tall, dark and dead. Thanks. I swear, I could save the world a hundred times over in really fashionable shoes and the only thing people are going to remember is that I dated a couple of vampires. The dead was a product of my job, my life and my environment. Also, no worries about breakage.

Broody bad boy on a redemption kick. You think I’m kidding but I’m so not. See even before Angel, there was Pike. He might have been seventeen but there was still all *cue dramatic music*. He had the leather jacket, the bike, the scarred eyebrow and the smirk. There was Owen for like a heartbeat. He read Dickinson. And then of course there was Angel. Broody personified. Parker- check check with the broody. Okay so it was all a lie and he was a jerk but he still made me think he was broody. Riley-I think maybe he was a departure. At least in the beginning. Life with me made him significantly broodier. And in the end…well we don’t need to talk about how that one ended. Spike-on board with the brood. The redemption kick…well he did go get his soul for me. It just took him a while to work around to it.

And now there’s Danny. Total chance meeting. It was a bar and he bought me a drink. It couldn’t have been more random meeting wise. From the beginning there was an attraction there but it took a couple of dates before we got to talking on a personal level and I realized he was a total broody bad boy on a redemption kick. I’m like a magnet. Not that I’m complaining, because I totally hit the jackpot on this one. In fact, I think I’m gonna keep him.

1. What's your boyfriend's favorite color?
Answer: Green, kind of that olive-y color

2. What's your boyfriend's favorite city to visit?
Answer: Actually, I think he likes New York a lot and we live there so I don’t know if this answer really counts but I’m gonna say it does.

( text )

I think I did pretty well considering we've known each other like...two months? I think. Now I'm curious how many I got right.

couples_therapy Week ten prompts: The Dog House

What sort of things do you say or do to get yourself out of the doghouse?

Ok, so Danny and I haven’t really been together long enough for there to have been a trip to the doghouse for either of us but seriously? I’m a girl…what do you think I’m gonna do to get myself out of the doghouse?

For those of you who are shortbus-y I’ll paint a picture. Let’s say I’m in the doghouse…for whatever reason. I made the living room purple and white instead of guy friendly or I recorded figure skating over some epic baseball game. Let’s take the second one because honestly, I think Danny would let me do whatever I wanted to his living room. The second one might earn me some doghouse time.

So, I recorded figure skating over Epic Baseball Game. Danny is pissed—I assume he gets pissed. I know he has a temper but I don’t think he’s going to be hitting me so the standard Buffy method of dealing is off the table and Dr.—or is it Drs?—Love I don’t even want to hear about abusive relationships and if you put me in counseling for it I’ll abusive you—anyway…I’m seriously abusing the little lines punctuation thing. What is that called?—so Danny is pissed because instead of Mickey Mantle he’s watching Sasha Cohen—she was the 2006 gold medalist, Rocky—Naturally he’s going to be pissed even though Sasha is pretty cute and she’s got an awesome triple lutz. So Danny is pissed and I’m in the doghouse—and you have no idea how much I want to do these little dashes some more but I’m trying ot stay on topic here. On topic is good—and I hate the doghouse. It’s lonely and cold and boring and pouty. So Danny is sitting out on the balcony smoking because that’s what he does when he’s upset or stressed or thinking too much or whatever. Not!Abusive Buffy puts on one of his long sleeved button downs and goes out to the balcony all pouty and hair messy and you get where I’m going with this. Pretty much anyway. So I sit down on his lap, facing him, my arms around his neck, lean in to kiss him say I’m sorry, tell him I really had no idea it was Epic Baseball Game, I thought they were just playing catch and promise him the best sex ever if he’ll forgive me.

And yes, Danny, we can pretend I’m in the doghouse if you want.