Does it help you believe [Beyond a shadow of a doubt]

I think the idea of a soul mate is…

Soul mates are bad M’kay? Sorry, I was watching South Park last night. Do not judge me for my TV choices. I don’t sleep much.

So here’s the deal. I was sixteen when I met him and at first I wanted to hate him. He was smug and fanatical and smarmy. He was too good looking, too stalkery and too old for me. He just kept showing up at the most inopportune times spreading bad omens and gossip. So what if his gossip was usually reliable. No one likes a Gossip Gabby. He was always there and never, ever there. Push and shove, hot and cold. Contradictory much? We weren’t soul mates we were…anything but. The problem was, neither of us could deny there was something there between us. And that something wouldn’t go away no matter how much we beat it. He didn’t want it. I didn’t want it and we gave it stern talking to’s but you know kids these days, they just never listen.

And then…I went away for three months, came back and I was mean to him; he got jealous and that’s when whatever it was we had twisted.

I spent a lot of the next two years crying. Without meaning to, he became the reason I hate my birthday and I emo at Christmas. He is the reason I can’t stand Valentine’s Day or red roses. Prom is bitter sweet and that old song ‘I Only Have Eyes For You’ sucks. I was in love and I loved him but love is never ever easy. It’s not about smiles and flowers, fluffy puppies and Pantene commercial hair. It’s hard. It hurts. It takes work and did I mention it hurts? During those two years I also became unequivocally convinced that he is my soul mate. The thing is, you watch The Princess Bride (Unarguably the greatest movie ever) or Cinderella (it’s all about the shoes) or Ice Castles (it’s a great movie) and soul mates work. Sure they have some problems and he goes away or she goes away or whatever but then he buys her some shoes and they live happily ever after.

Guess what? It’s a lie. I mean…it’s a lie I like to buy into it as much as the next girl but it’s still a big fat lie right there along with the good guys always wear white, the bad guys wear black and good always wins. In fact, what they should do is tell you that soul mate=love=perfect happiness=pain=run away as fast as you can. So…then he left and there was more pain but at least there was an end to the pain, you know? And we still saw each other occasionally. LA and Sunnydale weren’t that far apart. If I needed help he’d show up. If I needed to chew his ass out for coming to my rescue without telling me, I’d show up. He was there for me when my Mom died. And when I got so lost we both agreed it was better that he not be there. He showed up to rescue me again and then went away to be my second front. Now he’s doing his thing and I’m doing mine. And I still know that if the world ends, he’ll show up or I will.

Somewhere along that screwed up way there was Riley and Spike. I cared about both of them. A lot. They weren’t my soul mates though. Xander tried to convince me Riley could be but Riley had too many issues with what I am and what I’m never going to be. I’m not the apple pie girl you take home to your Mom. And Spike and I…we’re better as great friends. I thought that soul mates were a one thing. You know? You get one and when that doesn’t work out, you just spend the rest of your life looking for someone that can live with the way your soul mate screwed you up. And then I met Danny and there was this instant connection (and wow that sounds so E-Harmony. Shut up. One of the girls signed me up against my will). It was one of those past lives things. You know what I mean? You know you’ve never met this person and yet you’re still convinced you know them? Yeah, anyway…is he my soul mate? God I hope not because I can’t handle another one. It will kill me and I’ll put a great big Do Not Resuscitate order on my corpse. What I’m hoping for is a little bit of normality. It’d be nice just to be in love and have it not be literally or figuratively a world ending situation. I mean sure we’ll fight but I don’t want it to be the end of the world. I don’t want him to go to Hell and back for me. Just down the street and around the corner would be great. Stalking me isn’t required but I have to admit a little bit of obsession is nice. Kissing him doesn’t make me want to die, but my knees do get a little jellified and that’s a good thing. Dying is bad and wanting to die is worse. I don’t want Danny to be my soul mate. I’ll settle for The Guy and he might be. I don’t know. It’s too soon to tell. The only thing I do know:

Soul mates are seriously overrated.

Look I'm wickedly accurate psychic! Ganked from Hiro

I am 87% Psychic

I can accurately predict whether someone: likes vegetables has been to an air show lives with his/her parents I cannot tell whether someone: prefers staples over paper clips sings in the car

See what my psychic predicted for me! Take the quiz and get predictions at Spacefem.com

*laugh* I find it funny...'cause I kinda am. Only in a vague LSD tripping way.

ETA And what Adam predicted for me:

What My Psychic Said To Me

In the next few weeks, there will be major changes in your: career If you need help, seek advice from a: old friend The animal you should be like: hawk The color you should surround yourself with: Burnt sienna If you're wondering whether to change something: Make little changes slowly If you're searching for something, look for it: You've had it all along

These predictions were made by takezo_kensei, who is 73% psychic. See how psychic I was! Take the quiz and get predictions at Spacefem.com

Actually, some of it is probably pretty accurate.

I can be anything you want me to be [A punching bag, a piece of string oh]

Grace under fire.

The expression was born in her when she accepted the prophecy and walked through a sewer to her death wearing a white prom dress. It resides in her every breath and in the set of her spine. Defense makes it impossibly straight, steel and silk with her shoulders back and her chin tilted up just so, neck exposed, jaw squared and every inch of her offers a challenge that she knows the enemy can’t refuse anymore than they can win. Hurt inspires the same posture but with her chin down, her arms wrapped around her body in order to hold herself together. She is unbreakable in so many ways and fragile in all the others. She’s a weapon but also a girl. Steel runs in her blood and is forged in her soul. It infuses her bones, her words and her skin. There are others but she is alone, vulnerable and apart from all that were and all that are to come. She is the one and the always for reasons she can’t explain and reasons she had nothing to do with. Sometimes she falls and sometimes she stumbles. You can see through her cracks and watch as she crumbles but she always remains. The strongest steel goes through the hottest fire.