Damsel in Distress, My Ass

[Slay]

She remembers when slaying used to be a burden; when it filled her with a sense of dread and duty. She remembers when she wanted to slack and push it all away. What she doesn’t remember is when it became a comfort. She doesn’t remember the curve of the stake in her hand feeling like home or the smear of blood across her knuckles being victory without remorse.

There are other things she remembers like the fear of turning into what she hunts but that’s vanished and it’s left behind this fullness, like a ripe pumpkin ready to turn into something else like pumpkin pie or a maybe a carriage. Although she’s not sure why she would be a carriage and now that thought is going to bother her for the rest of patrol.

It’s easy to point and say it was after she came back from Heaven. So many things changed then sometimes she wonders if she is the same girl at all but she’s pretty sure slaying changed later. It changed after Sunnydale cratered and after she tried her retired stint. It changed when she realized slaying isn’t something she does; it isn’t something she’s destined for or something she can give, will or push away. Slaying is in the flex of her skin over muscles, the way she pushes up on the balls of her feet when she turns and the way the pit of her stomach curls . It’s the way the smile tugs at the corner of her lips at that point, that apex in a fight where she knows she’s going to win. She tells the others, it’s a part of you but she never shares the real truth because she thinks maybe it’s just her.

Slaying drives her heart; it powers her lungs and moves her forward. It wakes her up, it keeps her moving and it barely lets her sleep at night. One of these days, she thinks the girl will all boil down and the only thing left will be slaying.

[Heaven & Hell]

Danny,
Okay Boyfriend, so I know you’re going to hate this but remember there’s something you can do and this is the list of it. I’m going to make good on my promise and I’m not going anywhere, even if I have to have Willow drag me back. She’s gonna need your help though and so will I.
Love you,
Buffy

PS: If it ever happens, this will be the lowest.

[In Case I Die]
1. Call Willow
2. Do not bury me. Even if I start to smell a little. No burying. And if you –have – to bury me, dig me up before Willow does her mojo.
3. Do not let anyone autopsy me.
4. Dress me in something cute. Seriously, I do not want to wake up in black dress of fashion death. PJ’s are fine. Just cute ones.
5. Have plenty of Chicken and Stars.
6. Ditto for PB&J. The sandwich. Not the god.
7. Make sure the room is dark and quiet. Everything is gonna be super loud and super bright when I get back.
8. Don’t freak out if I freak out at first.
9. Dawnie is not allowed to be there. Even if you have to take me somewhere else and hide me.
10. Don’t put me in the trunk of the car. I know that technically I won’t know but still. Little places.
11. Call Angel. He’s going to hear about it anyway. I’d rather him find out from you what we’re doing. Tell him I told you to do it. He’s not going to like it but he’ll deal.
12. Make up the couch for Will. She’s probably going to be tired.
13. Bubble bath please.
14. Call Giles afterwards
15. Tea. English style. I’ll teach you how.
16. I am not a zombie. I won’t be one afterwards either.
17. Ice Castles. Please.
18. No holding me responsible for anything I say in the aftermath. Give me at least six hours or so to bounce back a little.
19. Please don’t ask me if I’m okay. Everyone did before.
20. I may be very moody. Like one minute I might be clingy and the next need alone time.
21. Make sure my scythe is on hand. Willow is a power sucker. She’s going to need something or someone to draw power off. The scythe will work.
22. Remind me why I wanted to come back.

{Wrath}

So, Danny and I were talking earlier. One of the things we have in common is wrath. We’re pretty much agreed that it’s the sin we commit the most. It’s also the one that’s that hardest to admit. I mean I have no problems saying that sometimes (ok probably second to wrath) I envy Carrie Bradshaw’s closet. And lust would be at the top of the list except that I don’t think it counts as lust when you love the person you’re all lusty about. Gluttony, I have my moments particularly if chocolate or milk are involved. I love my milk. I’m not really greedy or lazy (except on Sundays and then I just want to lie in bed for hours but God did say it’s a day of rest so I’m resting!). Sometimes I am pretty prideful and when I am I usually get knocked down a peg or two. I’ve learned enough to take my prideful moments in private and to make sure they don’t go to my head.

Wrath though…that’s the big one. That’s the one that I fall to almost every day. And the reason it’s the hardest to admit is because I want to be a ‘good’ person and ‘good’ people don’t lose their tempers. They don’t enjoy beating the crap out of something or someone. They don’t like the adrenaline rush that comes with it. [LFD] And good slayers don’t enjoy the job so much that it itches when they don’t indulge. They don’t run through the street yelling I’m the best, I’m the fastest and they don’t jump between buildings just because they can. They don’t pray for monsters and they don’t taunt the ones they get. Good slayers go out, get the job done and go home to eat some non fat yogurt and watch the late late show. [ULFD] If I admit that I enjoy all that then slipping across that line I’ve drawn is that much easier. I’ve seen what I become if I slip too far and I don’t want to be that person. Not ever.

I pray which probably surprises people and no I don’t really know who or what I’m praying to but I know there’s someone(s) up there listening. I try to walk that line and stay on the straight and narrow. It’s harder when my friends and family are hurt. I’ve slipped and I’ve clawed my way back. I’m stronger than I look but if I’ve ever had an adversary that came close to doing me in, it was Wrath.