Damsel in Distress, My Ass

[Buffy is lying on the couch in her warehouse wrapped up in a blanket. She looks exhausted mostly because she is. She also looks pouty because...well she gets that way when she's had a bad couple of days and she's tired.]

Freaky statues seem to have gone back to whatever bizarro world they came from. Everyone present and accounted for?

I need some serious 80's movie time clockage.

Also, Charlie, are you okay?

[There's a very cranky slayer trying to pick off the tiny mic planted on the strap of her tank. She looks ready to smash it into pieces, if she can just get it off]

Are the citizens of the City safer with you around?

I don't know. I try to make them safer. [Clearly she's not comfortable with this line of questioning]

And yet people are being injured by carousel animals and the Underground is shifting. Most people would say things in the City have gotten worse.

[She shoots the camera a glare but underneath that is something hurt and guilty. This line of thought isn't foreign to Buffy. She feels responsible, like she should be able to make things safer here.]

Excuse me? Did I miss a memo where this place made me a deity? Because that'd be sort of cool. [She's trying to cover up any evidence of guilt that she feels with snark.]

So you're saying you think you could do a better job?

[Buffy drops her face into her hands. Her words are muffled.]

Can't we talk about my lack of love life now?

---not fair. I mean seriously does everyone know about my relationship history? Is there some form that I forgot that I filled out. And those were two very specific, separete situations...vampires. Whatever. They had souls. Have souls. It's not like I--And there were people--okay person between--actually if you count Owen--who was post slayer--there were like at least 3 people who weren't vampires and I swear I did not date The Immortal. That was a rumor and also my decoy that was dating him. Give me a little credit. It's not like Spike went by William the Bloody when I was--or even--okay so Angel did go by Angelus for a little while but that was because he was--

[Deep breath]

Evil and you can't really say we were dating during the evil portion of The Life and Times at Sunnydale High. We were definitely broken up. You know that happens when your boyfriend kills your friends and your friends' fish.

[Some incoherent mumbling here by someone that is not Buffy]

What? No I do not have a supernatural fetish. I mean sure Satsu is a slayer and Riley was...he was normal for at least...a couple of months. Parker! Parker was entirely normal...and jerktastic but normal and Owen. I mentioned the normalacy of Owen right? And Pike back in LA. Also normal.

Not to mention Hello! Dating Eliot now and he's an entirely and totally normal boy.

[A very long pause]

Can't we talk about apocalypses or the times I saved the world or even my slay fashion faux passe.